Beginning

I feel new. I haven't really been myself in the last few months, and this weekend I think I finally found myself. My old self. I feel as though I'm actually awake now, almost as if I have been in a trance for the last few weeks.

This past weekend, I had the best night in nearly the last year. And its not even worth explaining because its indescribable, and so is how I feel about it. I think it truly means something when you can go home at 10pm on a Friday night and feel completely content and just want to sleep because you know your night cant get better than how it is, right at that exact second.
I also made my mistakes this weekend, realized how little you can know someone so close to you, and felt disappointment in the aftermath. But I guess that's how I know I'm getting better. Although I am completely socially awkward still, I let myself actually have a good time and allowed myself the grace of being human.

As far as the tatters of my fallen relationship, we are salvaging a friendship. As hard as it has been knowing hes moved on a lot faster then I could, I let him go. It took the last few weeks for me to come to terms with the idea of love and how little it means. But yet how much it means, but is never earned. I let go.
And finally, I know I'm okay.
I know there's more to this ridiculous situation, but I don't care at the moment. In an act of selfishness, I'm concentrating on myself for the first time in a while. And thanks to my bestfriend, I am back to myself. I'm happy and laugh, and know that there will always be more ups and downs, and that I will constantly be shocked with who sticks by me.

I have also drifted from someone close, as I said, but mainly because of disappointment. I don't know you anymore. I thought I did, but I guess with finally being 'awake' I realized how little I know you now. Its all half truths. I keep trying to get through to you, to be there for you, but I cant keep up with the mockery behind my back. I cant give up though, I wont. You were and still are one of the strongest people I know, and you have helped me though a lot. And I wish you'd see that this distance does hurt. Were missing huge parts of each others lives. but it comes with moving on and growing.

I know its nothing big, or nothing to worry about, but for now, I can't be bothered to make an effort when its not returned. Not right now at least.

I'm starting over. With everything, with everyone. And I'm glad.