Truth

The world that has made us can no longer contain us.

Hurt

Im too self-destructive.
Pushed everyone away again.

Hes moving out, talking trash, right back to his old self. Love it.

Need

I need a new roommate. Hes quitting his job, moving out, going home. And honestly I cant afford the $855 a month on my own.

I would hate to lose this place because its so beautiful, and so close to the school and bus routes through all of Kitchener, Waterloo and Cambridge. Oh well. I still have a few months before I need to figure it out. Plus hes going to leave me with everything except his computer, desk and tv. So this place is gold.

C'est la vie.

Its so nice to just meet people right now.
I have met so many people in the last few weeks, in both Kitchener and Niagara, and I can honestly see some really good friendships coming of a few of the acquaintances.

I have also decided that its nice to not have to make the effort all of the time.
I am so at piece with myself with everything thats happening, and love that I can balance school and friends and my home life.

I havent really talked to anyone about whats happened in the last week, nor do I need to as its sorted itself out on its own. Thanks to some 'advice' Ive realized that not everyone is genuine; and I am fine with that.
I dont really have an interest in anyone at the moment, no one in particular, its nice though because I know I dont need to. I have a few people that I love surrounding myself with because they make me happier and I have a lot more fun with them over others... but I had that shoved in my face yesterday too because I should socialize differently.
Oh well,
C'est la vie. I'm content with my decisions.

These readings are rediculous, this Fundamentals of Respiratory Therapy textbook on my lap weighs more than I even do I think. I have been working ahead in most of my classes so I can stay on top of everything. Less stress. Plus I actually love it. The study groups are so helpful and everyone in my program is always there to help.

Enough rambling though, Im going to read another chapter and get ready for tonight.
This week has been amazing.

So what?

Maybe I'm the one playing the games this time.

Autumn

I spent most of yesterday night in an empty movie theatre with my best friend and my old friend. Between yelling random things at the tops of our lungs, throwing popcorn at each other and laughing at how we didn't even pay attention to the movie, I realized something. I love this place.
I love this time of the year, and I love feeling new.

But, I hate the cold.
Last night I froze my butt off walking all the way across downtown to see someone, only to accidentally see someone else in the process of it all. Its was awkward, it was hard. And then it got even more hard. I cant stand when he says that.
Yes, I'm aware I'm speaking in fragments.

There were too many drinks bought for me. I managed to only spend 6$ and I dont even understand that. The people I was with--past the point of being gone. So random.
Once home I got a phone call, 3:22am, and it made me feel less lonely hearing the voice on the other end.

And then there were the 'What the fuck?' moments. Amazing.

I'm off to the bar for a concert again with my best friend. Maybe she can sort out my dilemma? Because as far as I'm concerned, males are fickle.
No need to worry about it.

Beginning

I feel new. I haven't really been myself in the last few months, and this weekend I think I finally found myself. My old self. I feel as though I'm actually awake now, almost as if I have been in a trance for the last few weeks.

This past weekend, I had the best night in nearly the last year. And its not even worth explaining because its indescribable, and so is how I feel about it. I think it truly means something when you can go home at 10pm on a Friday night and feel completely content and just want to sleep because you know your night cant get better than how it is, right at that exact second.
I also made my mistakes this weekend, realized how little you can know someone so close to you, and felt disappointment in the aftermath. But I guess that's how I know I'm getting better. Although I am completely socially awkward still, I let myself actually have a good time and allowed myself the grace of being human.

As far as the tatters of my fallen relationship, we are salvaging a friendship. As hard as it has been knowing hes moved on a lot faster then I could, I let him go. It took the last few weeks for me to come to terms with the idea of love and how little it means. But yet how much it means, but is never earned. I let go.
And finally, I know I'm okay.
I know there's more to this ridiculous situation, but I don't care at the moment. In an act of selfishness, I'm concentrating on myself for the first time in a while. And thanks to my bestfriend, I am back to myself. I'm happy and laugh, and know that there will always be more ups and downs, and that I will constantly be shocked with who sticks by me.

I have also drifted from someone close, as I said, but mainly because of disappointment. I don't know you anymore. I thought I did, but I guess with finally being 'awake' I realized how little I know you now. Its all half truths. I keep trying to get through to you, to be there for you, but I cant keep up with the mockery behind my back. I cant give up though, I wont. You were and still are one of the strongest people I know, and you have helped me though a lot. And I wish you'd see that this distance does hurt. Were missing huge parts of each others lives. but it comes with moving on and growing.

I know its nothing big, or nothing to worry about, but for now, I can't be bothered to make an effort when its not returned. Not right now at least.

I'm starting over. With everything, with everyone. And I'm glad.

this is my dream apartment. 

i want it so badly, so i hope andrew gets his new job.

plus i have been working insane hours at the beacon and got a mini job at northland floral 10 hours a day for a week before mothers day. its an extra 350 in my pocket.

i cant wait !

pause

as of today i have a spine.

"Your immaturity gives me enough satisfaction as it is, because you haven't changed at all."

mild.

the weather is finally getting warmer.

the snows almost gone, everything looks like a soggy mess of mud and grass, and i couldn't be happier; spring has just begun. soon it will be nice enough for picnics, and trips to the beach, taking nice pictures, and coming home smelling like bonfires.

but for now i can handle the puddles.

begin again.

its almost time to start somewhere new.